Like a lot of businesses, Newz Group has had to pivot to working from home in 2020. Working from home presents many challenges, one of the biggest is adjusting to new coworkers.
Newz Group does not believe in giving any employee a free ride, no matter how cute they are. So we put together end of year reviews for our newest coworkers.
We hope you enjoy the antics of our coworkers!
Gunther: Su-purr-visor of Business Development
Gunther is a very hands on manager, he likes to keep eyes on his employees to ensure that work is being done in a timely fashion. He also enjoys interjecting his thoughts into all emails by walking on the keyboard.
Gunther also demands a work/life balance by sitting on the computer mouse at 6pm every evening until he is taken on his nightly walk. Gunther also likes to make new friends and connections by showing up to video calls, sitting in front of the camera and ‘singing’ (no matter who is talking).
Areas of Improvement:
Gunther’s management techniques can be destructive and violent, which can foster a hostile work enviroment. He has chewed through multiple cords and can on occasion slap and bite if typing is not up to his standards. Gunther also has an issue with stealing desk chairs when they are not occupied and refusing to vacate.
Also, mistaking the bag for treats, Gunther stole the bag of client Christmas cards and wore the evidence as a necklace. The cards were retrieved with no damage.
Performance Bonus: One catnip toy, one gogurt and an extra walkie.
Francis: Director of Paw-perations
Francis has a very casual approach to management. He can be very productive, but there are many days when he falls asleep in the morning and then takes the rest of the day off.
Francis’ biggest strength is assisting with squirrel security and on-the-job birding activities. He will alert co-workers to any new developments outside the window in the tree zone. He is especially vigilant about notifying management when a squirrel intruder gets too close to the office perimeter. He is also very prompt with UPS box inspections as soon as they arrive. If they are not opened immediately with a box cutter he will assist with his claws.
Francis occasionally likes to cause a disturbance during morning meetings by trying to break into the Christmas closet in the background which is a known restricted area. And the office below always knows when he takes his exercise break as he enjoys galloping like a Clydesdale around the office as fast and loud as possible.
Rosie: Employment Status: Fur-minated.
Rosie’s first and last performance review will paint a picture of the dangers of fluffy employment and nepotism.
Rosie was given her position based off cuteness and her high energy level was promising.
After one month of terror, we have decided to terminate Rosie for the following reasons.
- Sleeps for 80% of the work day
- Attacks all coworkers, no one is safe
- Our security footage has shown that during the night Rosie returns to the office to destroy and hide supplies
- During her lunch break, Rosie screams from the break room until one of her coworkers feeds her
- In an entire month, Rosie has produced no actual work, and when asked about it, she just leaves the room.
We had high hopes to add a cat to our offices (we had a bit of a dog monopoly here), but after giving it our best go, we have determined that Rosie may be better suited for the life of the unemployed.
Molly J Husky: PRO BONE-O DINGO
Molly is attentive to task especially at breakfast and dinner time. Her biggest set-back during this pandemic time has been the loss of canned Alpo, however she has demonstrated an ability to overcome with the reluctant conversion to various others including Paws, generic brands, and least of all Sams. Molly’s skill set is strongest when retrieving tennis balls or especially a Nerf football at the dog park. One point of suggested improvement for Molly is her social interaction with other Doggies at the park.
Molly’s trademark “One Ear Up and One Ear Down” is easily identifiable in her work product.
Molly can be rather unproductive during pandemic work-at-home as she often is found taking a nap. She can also be distracting to her co-worker when she gets upside down with a squeaker toy.
In conjunction with these adorable traits Molly is recommended for a raise of one dental chew or bone per day.
Max: Cats-tomer Service Supervisor
Pickles: Intern of Ac-Cats Paw-able
Pickles, currently working full-time while attending KU – Kitten’s University – is an energetic and, at times, overly enthusiastic employee. Her focus can be scattered, though this may be due to some conflicts with her supervisor, Dina. Pickles seems unperturbed by her interpersonal conflicts with Dina, and continues to push for conflict resolution with playful attempts to entice Dina into a strong working relationship. (It should be noted that Dina has, so far, not engaged in these conflict resolution sessions). There are noticeable lulls in Pickles productivity, particularly after breaktimes with string and bell play, as well as after mealtime breaks. She generally devolves into a purring, napping ball of fur after expending too much energy or getting her tummy full.
Some positive attributes include Pickles attention to detail when focused on a particular project. I’ve noted times when Pickles can be enthralled for hours by a thumbtack in the wall, or can follow her annoyed supervisor, Dina, seemingly endlessly, all in the name of learning the ropes. It should also be noted that Pickles does have a positive effect on some of her co-worker’s energy levels, bringing Jezebel and Hank up to previously unseen founts of productivity through her engagement and boundless encouragement.
Al: Air-Bud Golden Paperwork Receiver
These last several months I have enjoyed working with my new office mate. Al always has a smile on his face. He shows exceptional loyalty to his coworkers, loves positive reinforcement, and thrives on praise. While some simply say Al is ‘slow to move’, I find his laborious attitude to be a sign of profound thought. Intense concentration is not limited to his movement. He seems to constantly engage in deep thought, opting to spend long periods in contemplation.
There are still some areas where Al could improve – he requires constant reassurance (especially about his acceptance in the group), tends to take a lot of bathroom breaks, and occasionally drools. When there are personal snacks in the room he can be the most wretched beggar you might ever encounter. The most difficult feedback to provide though is regarding his lack of oral hygiene. While he seems to try his best – as he occasionally engages in personal grooming during normal business hours – his breath remains a source of regular distraction during the work day.
Overall, Al has done an admirable job adapting to the changing landscape this year. His ability to adjust to the circumstances and provide assistance when asked has been a valuable asset. The best part of having Al as my new office mate is the unwavering emotional support offered without request. His attitude has been a tremendous help to my morale this year. He possesses the unteachable skill of helping his colleagues be centered when they need it most. I sincerely appreciate Al getting the opportunity to join the team this year.